“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
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The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture