Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
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Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
God, I love Scotland
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?