Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
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“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
much to think about
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Flowers bee like
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.