Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
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Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap