F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
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I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke