I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
You Might Also Like
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say