“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
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I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
next question.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk