Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
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The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Camping tip: No.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Don’t tell me what to do
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*