@MissHavisham: Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
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@JermHimselfish: Peanut butter and jelly are so in love with each other that all they do is lay around in bread all day.
@jwomackou: [spelling bee finals] JUDGE: your word is "asterisk" KID: can you use it in a sentence? JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
@fro_vo: [first date] ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar DATE: Get Out ME: *leaves*
@SirEviscerate: BABY: WAAAAAAA- ME: Shhhh, it's okay. BABY: -AAAAAAAA- ME: shhhh.... BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI! ME: wtf BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.