@MissHavisham: Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
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@xLiserx: Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won't talk to me at the grocery store.
@perlapell: My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
@Samzen_: Judge: You shot him. How do you plead? Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding Judge: HAHA Me: HAHA *High five? Judge: Ten years with no bail
@Marcmywords2: People in my office act like they've never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.