Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
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HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.