Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
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me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine