Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
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[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?