@LurkAtHomeMom: Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you're not required to keep it forever, like they can't arrest you if u throw it out.
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@pork_steaks: "Was this car tested on animals?" "sir animals can't drive" "will this car enable animals to drive?" "No" "SO YOU DID TEST IT!" "god damnit"
@trevso_electric: Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
@dumbbeezie: People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
@stephenjmolloy: "It's beautiful today. Let's work outside." *5 mins later* "This was a terrible idea." *more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*