Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
You Might Also Like
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair