@LurkAtHomeMom: Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you're not required to keep it forever, like they can't arrest you if u throw it out.
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@notacroc: Date: wanna get out of here? Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don't know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
@thetobbie: Dudes, how can we keep track of how long it's been since we've been on a date? I mean, women can just measure their leg hair...
@iGreenMonk: If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
@Real_Countress: Let me be clear, I chase no one!!! *5 min later. Chasing the ice cream truck down the street