before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
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[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Why soy sad?
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage