LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
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Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.