LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
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I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
A short story of betrayal:
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs