Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
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I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*puts cutlery down*
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes