Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
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As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.