Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
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You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
A man of commitment.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Weighing up my bread heating options