Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
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When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Midwest trash talk
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking