my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
You Might Also Like
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.