Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
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10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.