Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
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Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”