Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
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[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
The Birdles
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one