Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
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Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
“What?”
– Jude
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂