Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
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It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
love it when they get my name right
Proctology is located in A55
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*