Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
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They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
✌️
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”