Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
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These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
#milo
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
My dad teaching me to drive
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no