Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
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My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
That was easy.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down