Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
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Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Found the job I’m suited for
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided