I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
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Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Banana is the quietest snack
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
This dude got his own movie?
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower