My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
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Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last