@2tickytacky: Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
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@Abusitron: Waitress: "Enjoy your meal" Patron: "you too" Patron: 'why did I say that?' Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
@notacroc: [Barnes and Noble] CASHIER: anything else? ME: four barns and your finest noble please CASHIER: get out
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night. Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do? *falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
@neiltyson: Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.