@DanMentos: Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
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@KingRainhead: When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like "You're Doing A Great Job"
@krisv_723: Him: I just got stung. I'm allergic. Grab me my EpiPen. Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
@ixSEANxi: Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I've only done that with pizza
@Manda_like_wine: Son, your father and I have something to tell you - you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.