Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
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I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.