Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
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asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
reminder
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.