Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
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I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I had to Stop for this
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.