My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
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Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”