@jwoodham: Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
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@Book_Krazy: Me: Well hello again. I knew you'd be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
@sucittaM: I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
@SeanLowe09: I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it. Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie. I faked a smile and gave him a bite. Soon after, she asked him AGAIN. I have no wife.
@BrattyBarbie: I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.