@jwoodham: Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
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@iAmDelFreaky: If I could set people on fire with a single stare, a lot of innocents would die. "Sorry sir, we are closed." FIRE! "Good morning." FIRE!
@outsmartedmommy: What's for dinner? -A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
@_davidlucas_: *Answers door naked* Jehovah's Witnesses... 😲 Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.