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boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam