Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
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My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Why am I like this?
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress