@StevioSquared: Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I'm watching Titanic, it's me playing him.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@LionJenkins: I measure my kids' ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.
@JPHaddadio: Last year I ate out alone on Valentine's Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
@GayAtHomeDad: When your kid makes a funny face, say they will stick that way, then show them the thousands of girls with duck lips on Instagram.