Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
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You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*