Leonardo DiCaprisun
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Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.