Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
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If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.