*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
You Might Also Like
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich