Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
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no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Every house has this drawer
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.