“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
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The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
The fall of Netflix
Saint West, the patron of selfies
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.