@TragicAllyHere: Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln's hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
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@DadandBuried: My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he's got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
@Jandalize: With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
@TwoSapphiresBlu: During pelvic exam: Dr.: Your cervix is very high. Me: OMG, weed affects your cervix too?!