Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
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Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
when nothing goes right… go left
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?