Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
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Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
PER MY LAST EMAIL
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.