Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
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I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
We all have our pet causes.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?