Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
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[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off