Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
why no one uses midhusbands
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.